from now on this blog is strictly for art

i don't know what to think...i don't know what to say.i just...don't want to think anymore...don't want to exsist anymore when you tell me that i've hurt you...it's almost like i don't want you to hold on...i don't want you to bear me...and all these things come up in my head to say...how you hurt me sometimes too and i still hold on becaus sometimes you sound like you think you're perfect but i try to see how you don't mean taht and i try to believe you don't...but sometimes i feel like telling you that you hurt me too so why bring up taht i've hurt you?shouldn't that be something to be talked about clamly since we both owe each other one?...but then i tell myself i'm being a stupid selfish idiot and i have no right and no need to say those things cuz it'll just be arguing over stupid things...but i don't want to live when i hurt you...when you tell me that...i just want to go to my room and cry in my bed and maybe i'll never wake up...or maybe you'll forget about me and find someone that won't hurt you...your words haunt me..."Grace... I can have any girl in the world, I could have a girl that was "prettier" or "smarter" or more sensitive...I could easily break up with you and you couldn't help but understand, and I could find someone who was just like me, same faults, same strengths."then why don't you DO it for goodness sake?i hate myself for hurting you...i hate taht you'll hold on under the pain i inflict on you...it's not right!its not fair...its not...its not...its cruel...i can barely kill bugs...i have to find a reason that i should...like cocroaches are really discusting and scare everyone and move fast and multiply quickly and come out in the dark...so i don't feel too bad about killing them...ok whatever...what i mean is that you dont' ever deserve to get hurt...in my opinion...i'm so confused...i wish you were here because i know...i know that everything would be ok if you could hold me and kiss me and look into my eyes...but now i can't breathe...no John...i'm not sad about hurting you ebcause i'm scared of loosing you...no...i'm scared of loosing you sometiems...but its never as painful as this...this knowledge that i made you sad!taht i made you cry...the sound of you crying on the phone...i'll never forget it..it made me want to wail...to beat my fists on the ground because it was the most terrible...saddest sound i had ever heard...i dunno...maybe this is selfish somehow...maybe its actually something good in me...but i'm afraid to think so...ive learned from you that there's not much good in me but the stuff i can't help...i'm pretty...i'm smart etc....and even now i keep thinking...worrying about if these words will hurt you...i backspace things and reread them to make sure they don't sound a bad way...to avoid making you sad as much as i can...but you wanted me to say everythign i'm thinking...i actually haven't done this in a really long time...lots of reasons why i guess...it feels good to do it because i know it will make you happy...that i told you everything i'm thinking...i don't know how i'll get through this night...but maybe i'll be mercifully tired i gtg

grace m.

i guess it didn't work...and didn't save it either...sorry:( maybe i'll see you today?

You're So True - Shrek

I'm strange and you're strange
Don't want you to change no way ahh ha haa
I came I explained
flyin to the sun without a plane
but you're here ahh ha haaa
don't you worry about me babe
cause i'm right there with you to say
hope you know you inspire me
you're a flower and im a bee i need you
all this you do for free
give me hope and i can see
you're so sure ahh hah haaa
don't you worry about me babe
cause i'm right there with you to say
one day i will tell
you and i know well
you're the waves of my ocean
here's my realing my devotion
one day i will tell
you and i know well
you're the waves of my ocean
here's my realing my devotion
you're strange and i'm strange
don't want you to change no way ahh ha ha
i came i explained
flyin to the sun without a plane
but you're here ahh hah ha
don't you worry bout me babe
cause i'm right here for you to say
don't you worry bout me babe
cause i'm right here for you to say(i'm right here for you to say)

when we evaluate the quality of our love for someone else simply by our own emotional fulfillment, we are being selfish...kinda obvious, i know...but it needs to be said to oneself every so often.

"so it does seem as though it's possible to think you're completely right when you're completely wrong. and Jesus still loves me...and even though this realization has stripped me of myself...somehow i'm not sad. and it wasn't the loss of John that did it to me. it wasn't my parents...it wasn't the depression, the confusion, the despair, the lostness...it wasn't even me. hadn't you ever seen it before? to find yourself in Christ don't you have to get lost?...and now it all seems so simple, i'm fairly dazzled and i hardly know what to do...but here it is, what i do know:follow each and every footprint of Jesus, keeping my stupid eyes on His face...hide yourself in Him Grace and don't ever try leaving Him again...it'll be the ruin of you. God...please hold my heart in Your hands and make it whole...it is Yours."

i wrote this in my quiet time notebook...i'm not sure how long ago it was...but i thought i'd share it with you

am i a stone, and not a sheep,
that i can stand, O Christ, beneath
Thy cross,and number, drop by drop,
Thy blood's slow loss,
and yet not weep?

~Christina Rossetti

it seemed to her that all the things did just so much and no more. as, lying awake that night, she reviewed her activities and preoccupations, there appeared nothing that consumed more than a little part of her being, or brought her, by physical excitement or mental concentration, more than forgetfulness. nothing justified her exsistence. the immortal sadness of youth possessed her, and a sorrow of which youth is not always conscious, the lucid knowledge of her unsatisfied desires. there was nothing, she thought, that could be trusted; the dearest delight might betray, the gayest friendship open upon treachery and martyrdom. of her friends, of her young male friends especially, pleasent as they were, there was not one, she thought, who held that friendship important for her sake rather than for his own enjoyment. even that again was but her own selfishness;what right had she to the devotion of any other?and was there any devotion beyond the sudden overwhelming madness of sex? and in that hot airless tunnel of emotion what pleasure was there and what joy? laughter died there, and lucidity, and the clear intelligence she loved, and there was nothing of the peace for which she hungered.
~Charles Williams - Many Dimensions

now remember i don't feel every word of that...the stuff in bold is what i think or feel...but when i read it about a year ago...and still when i read it now, it touches something in me...there is some profound truth in it...especially about what i want...what i hunger for...and the questions asked at the end...i've asked them to myself...even while i know the answer is yes, there is a place to find peace and truth and pure joy...it's the defilement of sin...that is what she feels and hates...and feels she cannot escape it...do you see the beautiful sadness in it?i'm sure you've felt it yourself...i hope that someday i could write as moving words as this...

dating relationship

VERY FIRST STEP:both pray for a week without talking to each other about it.Write down what God has said to you/you have decided.share with each other at the end of that week...more prayer may follow together...
SECOND STEP:John...i've been thinking about it and i think you need to talk to my dad...before you and me initiate anything because he told me to tell you to approach him if you had any thoughts of renewing your "intentions"...he said he didn't want us starting up something like before without them knowing about it:S...so i think you should approach him...here are the things he would prolly like to here from you...if you want you can even just write him an email...or talk to him in person...invite him out to lunch...that would impress them:P...so-you tell him:

1.What are you asking for?

2.What would this relationship look like?

3.What are your personal intentions in starting a dating relationship with me?

so yeah...here's the stuff i wrote down.

(answer to # 1.)A dating relationship with marriage as a potential goal.
(2.)
a.spend time together in public places(one on one dates)
b.sharing of ideas,dreams,beliefs,passions,worries.
c.cocentrate on getting to know and understand each other better.
d.concentrate on how we can serve others together.
e.share spiritual bearings(meaning where we are in our relationship with Jesus)insights,thoughts...
f.hugs?holding hands?...no kissing
g. avoid situations lasting long periods of time where we are in an isolated place.
h.concentrate on furthering the spiritual,social,and emotional maturity of the other and ourself.
i.talks about marriage in general,what expectations,ideals,dreams,preferences we would have
j.consider financial situations,children,location,jobs,family
k.college and other education plans must be discussed
l.personality tests would be interesting and helpful to take
m.if possible, spiritual sharing,uplifting,encouragement to the other...ideally, informal Bible studies
m.pray for the other person as much as possible

the future is in God's hands

:)let my smile be sufficient for now

in the rain

sleepless nights when we are
wishing we were asleep together
frozen eyes waste away
our fingers touch under the stars

pitiless death, is that what this is?
drowning in thoughts in our heads
lost days when life was in spring
and the cold couldn't find our lips

no i won't die
we'll linger on like phantoms
until we find
each other in the rain and the pain
will be gone, will be gone
and we'll cry, and we'll cry
and we'll sigh, and we'll sigh
and I'd
be so happy i couldn't smile
we'd just cry
and the rain would wash away our tears
and the rain would heal us and bring
the colors of the flowers of spring
back into us remembering

your eyes would be wild
as we kissed each other's mouths in love
yeah in love with a picture
we saw in our hearts

your eyes would smile
as we lived each day in love
yeah in love with a dream
we'll see when we sleep

and we'll fall asleep
we'll fall in love
we'll fall asleep
we'll fall in love

in the rain...
in the rain...
in the rain...
in the rain...

roses red in a garden of white
golden dresses and things
as we traded the rings
and i became your wife

roses bloom in a garden of life
golden hair and apple-red cheeks
as we laugh and we sing
our children to sleep

no i won't die
we'll linger on like phantoms
until we find
each other in the rain and the pain
will be gone, will be gone
and we'll cry, and we'll cry
and we'll sigh, and we'll sigh
and I'd
be so happy i couldn't smile
we'd just cry
and the rain would wash away our tears
and the rain would heal us and bring
the colors of the flowers of spring
back into us remembering

and we'll fall asleep
we'll fall in love
we'll fall asleep
we'll fall in love

in the rain...
in the rain...
in the rain...
in the rain...


tell me what you think:blush:i could almost hear the music in my head while i wrote it...that's why its not in a very simple poetic pattern...you can edit it if you have any ideas...