i don't know what to think...i don't know what to say.i just...don't want to think anymore...don't want to exsist anymore when you tell me that i've hurt you...it's almost like i don't want you to hold on...i don't want you to bear me...and all these things come up in my head to say...how you hurt me sometimes too and i still hold on becaus sometimes you sound like you think you're perfect but i try to see how you don't mean taht and i try to believe you don't...but sometimes i feel like telling you that you hurt me too so why bring up taht i've hurt you?shouldn't that be something to be talked about clamly since we both owe each other one?...but then i tell myself i'm being a stupid selfish idiot and i have no right and no need to say those things cuz it'll just be arguing over stupid things...but i don't want to live when i hurt you...when you tell me that...i just want to go to my room and cry in my bed and maybe i'll never wake up...or maybe you'll forget about me and find someone that won't hurt you...your words haunt me..."Grace... I can have any girl in the world, I could have a girl that was "prettier" or "smarter" or more sensitive...I could easily break up with you and you couldn't help but understand, and I could find someone who was just like me, same faults, same strengths."then why don't you DO it for goodness sake?i hate myself for hurting you...i hate taht you'll hold on under the pain i inflict on you...it's not right!its not fair...its not...its not...its cruel...i can barely kill bugs...i have to find a reason that i should...like cocroaches are really discusting and scare everyone and move fast and multiply quickly and come out in the dark...so i don't feel too bad about killing them...ok whatever...what i mean is that you dont' ever deserve to get hurt...in my opinion...i'm so confused...i wish you were here because i know...i know that everything would be ok if you could hold me and kiss me and look into my eyes...but now i can't breathe...no John...i'm not sad about hurting you ebcause i'm scared of loosing you...no...i'm scared of loosing you sometiems...but its never as painful as this...this knowledge that i made you sad!taht i made you cry...the sound of you crying on the phone...i'll never forget it..it made me want to wail...to beat my fists on the ground because it was the most terrible...saddest sound i had ever heard...i dunno...maybe this is selfish somehow...maybe its actually something good in me...but i'm afraid to think so...ive learned from you that there's not much good in me but the stuff i can't help...i'm pretty...i'm smart etc....and even now i keep thinking...worrying about if these words will hurt you...i backspace things and reread them to make sure they don't sound a bad way...to avoid making you sad as much as i can...but you wanted me to say everythign i'm thinking...i actually haven't done this in a really long time...lots of reasons why i guess...it feels good to do it because i know it will make you happy...that i told you everything i'm thinking...i don't know how i'll get through this night...but maybe i'll be mercifully tired i gtg

grace m.